Once upon an apology...

Once upon a time, there was a woman who was a really big fan of the Nostalgia Critic (be warned, loud and full of cursing and explosions and awesome. I don't recommend watching them at work). Which led her, eventually, to the Nostalgia Chick (ditto), and said Chick's blog.

The NChick posted recently on how she had decided to give up self-loathing. Cold turkey.

A massive undertaking, yes?

I sometimes wonder if people come into the world hard wired for self loathing. Especially the clever ones. The smarter people are, the more talented they appear, the more they seem to feel like a fake. The more they can give themselves 'legitimate reasons' for hating themselves (oh, I'm a procrastinator. I'm lazy, I'm unmotivated, I'm ugly, I'm wasting my potential, I'm blah blah freakin' blah') the easier it becomes to do so, and then it just spirals down and down and down and down...

And I say they, when I should say 'we'.

I like to think, most days, that I've left that nonsense behind me. I decided at about 22 that it was stupid, pointless and harmful, so out of my life it would go.

And most days it stays gone.

Something I've noticed, though, is that it's not. Not entirely. Not always.

I'm not going to beat myself up about it. To enter into a shame spiral and hating myself for... hating myself... would be totally pointless, and probably make Baby Jesus cry.

But here's something I'm going to stop. I don't think I can promise cold turkey, but I'm going to try. Because here, ladies and gentlemen, is the last bastion of my low self-esteem.

I will stop apologising for things which require no apology.

(The one notable exception is saying, 'Sorry' whether I bump into someone or they bump into me. It is a sign of my innate Britishness that I do this 99% of the time, and a sign of everyone else's that they do likewise to me.)

But, aside from that fairly meaningless form of social politeness, no.

No apologising for my opinions, even if you don't like them. They're mine, not yours. Engage in debate or accept that we're different people. Live with it.

No apologising for my presence, because I've got to be somewhere taking up space, and right now it's here. Deal with it.

No apologising for my appearance, because it'll be the best I can do, and if it's not, well, I'm not here to decorate your world. Accept it.

That stops here. That stops now.

I am who I is. And if I screw up, I will apologise. If I do you wrong, I will apologise. But I will not apologise for you not liking who I am.

I am a flawed human being. And I'm a fabulous one.

This has been quite a...vehement post. Or I should say a definite one, because it needs to be said.

You can say it. You know you can.

I will not apologise for who I am.